‘Oi, you little c**t, why can’t you hurry up you slow coach?‘ I heard a mother say to her son last week outside a swimming pool changing rooms. An eight-year-old boy was doing his best to stuff his wet towel into his bag but it wasn’t fast enough. A little later, he started banging a vending machine violently, demanding a chocolate bar. Hearing the great thuds, his mother pleaded, ‘Look, I’ll get you a chocolate bar. I’ll get you one, just f**king stop that racket.’ I reflected upon the mixed signals that mother was sending to her child: having been assailed for patiently putting away his kit, he was pacified from vandalising the vending machine with a bribe. Having taught a great many children with similar parents, I knew he’d be a difficult child to teach: a child who had learnt the implicit message that violence is generally rewarded with bribes, and good behaviour is usually ignored, or, quite frequently, punished. He’ll have probably learnt a very similar message at school: well behaved children who quietly get on with the work are usually ignored or urged to work even harder, while badly behaved children get all manner of extra attention and kudos.
Is it any wonder that Britain’s children are, according to an authoritative Unicef report published earlier this year, the unhappiest in Europe? We live in a country where many parents, from all social classes, are uniquely ill-equipped to bring up well-balanced children. At the root of the problem are the mixed signals that adults in Britain send our children. On the one hand, we monstrously sentimentalize children with our sickly sweet films and presents, and on the other, we ignore children when they’re being good.
During the research for my new book, The New School Rules, I discovered that it is a parents’ influence which is the single most important factor in a child’s success at school, no matter whether that is the top school in the land or the worst. And furthermore, it is parental praise which is the greatest motivation for a child: not endless presents, trips to Disneyland, computer games or TV, but consistent words of encouragement. This a lesson I have to keep reminding myself of because it is a great deal easier to criticize my own child and my pupils than to praise them: bad behaviour is much more noticeable than good. But I now know that well-chosen, precise words of praise which say precisely what I have liked about a pupils’ work or behaviour is better at keeping good order than all the detentions in the world.
So that’s my advice to any parent or teacher who wants to improve their children’s behaviour: start praising them precisely and consistently today.
Check my book The New School Rules — The Parents’ Guide To Getting The Best Education For Your Child, published by Piatkus (in 2007)
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